Dealing With Emotion
(Practical ways to handle feelings)
“Emotion is what engages us with life, giving us energy and alerting us to reality. It is not an inconvenience to be ignored”
A note about therapy
Let me start off with a disclaimer: The approaches described below are not intended as part of a therapeutic process. Long-lasting emotional states, phobias, stress disorders, and conditions such as depression normally require specialist attention. Therapy attempts to deal with long-standing conditions that are recognised as being debilitating, distressing, or dysfunctional and will seek to find an effective and safe way to address the problem.
What is Emotion?
We all know what emotion is, don’t we? Well actually it seems that although we have direct personal experience of emotion and we use the word pretty often there is no single simple description or definition of what emotion actually is. This is partly because our understanding of emotion is still developing and has inputs and theories from many disciplines (psychology, anthropology, psychoanalysis, sociology, philosophy, social sciences, evolutionary biology, neuroscience, and so on). It is also partly because the experience of emotion involves unconscious processes that are very difficult to describe at times, and thus very difficult to define.
I propose to keep things relatively simple for now though and I suggest a working definition of emotion as a state of mind and body that may have associated physical feelings and that accompanies one or more motivations to think and behave in certain ways.
Thus emotion in general is a combination of state of being (state of mind and body), feeling, and motivation of thoughts and actions. Particular emotions that are commonly experienced include the big three: fear, anger, and love. Most people will have some understanding of each of these and will be able to describe at least to some degree the physical feelings that they may experience, the types of thought that they may be aware of and the typical behaviours that they may find themselves engaging in. Some people will also recognise the overall state of being, perhaps as a combination or synthesis of all of the above.
There are a host of other states that are typically described under the overall umbrella term ‘emotion’, such as anxiety, frustration, grief, excitement, despondency, and so on. I have argued elsewhere that most if not all of these can be considered as combinations of various intensities of what I consider to be the basic emotions of fear, anger, and love.
So What?
The significance of using a simple definition of emotion is twofold:
1. It gives us a means to identify and measure the experience that we want to work with.
2. It indicates some potential ways to work with emotion.
The second point is the most important when we are looking for pragmatic ways to deal with emotions, or more importantly emotional responses to particular situations.
By describing emotion as a state of being with accompanying feelings and motivations of thoughts and behaviours we get three basic ways to explore a particular emotional state and three basic ways to potentially change that state:
1. Feelings
2. Motivational thoughts
3. Motivational behaviours
Each one of these can be used to identify symptoms of the emotional state of mind that we are dealing with and each one of these can be used to create change. The following sections give some very simple and very basic techniques for dealing with emotion that can be used to encourage change of the intensity of the emotion.
Working with feelings – some simple techniques
Physical feelings associated with emotional states are more apparent to some of us than others and vary from person to person. Feelings may appear in any part of the body and may be intense or vague. Don’t assume that all feelings are a symptom of the presence of emotion and get any strong physical feeling checked for a medical cause before trying to apply any self-care technique.
Typically though, emotionally-driven feelings around the stomach and lower body may be associated with fear or anxiety. Feelings around the heart and lungs may be associated with love or yearning, although sharp or hard feelings in the heart can also go with grief and even suppressed rage. Feelings around the throat may be associated with anger or an emotional attempt to deny the emotion; a numbing-out. Heat around the face and hands may be associated with anger or love.
Whatever the feeling, it is possible to use the feeling directly to work with our emotion. On the basis that physical feelings may be product of some unconscious part of our mind, or part of an automatic response to circumstances, we can make use of the feelings that we experience.
Technique 1: Take a breath. To ease anxiety.
A simple and widely recognised technique for reducing anxiety is to take a deeper breath than normal. Fear and anxiety tend to result in the body as a whole tensing up slightly and at the same time breathing can become shallow. Taking a deep and slow breath reverses some of this physical response to anxiety and can ease the physical feelings. This in turn reduces the mental level of anxiety and encourages calmness.
Breathing is so effective that it is used as a core theme in meditation and relaxation practices. A simple breath at the appropriate time, or three deep and slow breaths taken one after another can be very effective at changing many emotional states.
Technique 2: Breath with imagination. To relax.
Combining controlled breathing with a simple process of imagination can be used for relaxation. This is a form of meditation or trance work and consists of breathing slowly and deeply whilst holding a particular thought, image, or word in mind. Alternatively, focussing attention on physical feelings or the action of breathing can produce a similar relaxing effect.
Technique 3: Counting. To counter trouble going to sleep.
This is a particular case of breathing combined with a mental activity and it can have the effect of switching the conscious mind off – it is an excellent aid for going to sleep! Simply close your eyes and breath evenly and a little more deeply than usual whilst visualising numbers. Count from one to a hundred and imagine each number in as much detail as you can. If you are not asleep by the time you get to one hundred, or if you re-waken, start the count again.
Technique 4: Voice the feeling. To release feelings.
We have a tendency to try to ignore or suppress feelings that we don’t like. This is the start of learning to become numb and, though widely practised, it does not work that well as a way to deal with unwanted emotion. There is an alternative that can work well which is simply to state out loud what you are currently feeling: “Right now I am feeling ….”. This can be done on your own or to someone else that knows what you are doing. The feeling can be a physical feeling or an expression of your emotional state but it is important to simply make the statement, not to act out of the feeling. If you are feeling angry then state it, but not with angry actions, not in a threatening manner, and not with an angry voice. Just make the statement two or three times and you may well get a shift.
There are two possible things in play here: by making the statement out loud there is an element of externalisation of the feeling, and hence a potential for reduction of the feeling, and by making the statement out loud there is an acceptance of the feeling rather than the denial that goes with suppression. By accepting the feeling there is an acceptance that the motivational urging behind the feeling has been heard and recognised, and is no longer needed.
Technique 5: Writing a journal. To explore feelings.
Keeping a journal, or writing feelings and thoughts in any way on a regular basis, can give a number of benefits. As with voicing a feeling, the action of writing can give some release through externalisation. Writing of any sort, and particularly if it is done in a formalised procedural way, can allow themes or underlying issues to be expressed safely. Writing can also allow a simple form of truth-telling or rephrasing to take place (see later chapters for more).
Case Story – Mary's Panic
Mary’s children had grown up and left home, so now she was living with her husband in a big house filled with memories but not much else. She started to get panic attacks; times when she felt extremely anxious and found her heart racing for apparently no reason.
She described to me some of her feelings and the more she described the more she realised that she felt a level of anxiety almost all of the time. She had been trying to ignore her feelings, but they were there none the less. Little by little we worked through each period of anxiety and attempted to identify what had triggered the feelings and began to expose what had been going on in her thoughts.
It turned out that Mary was feeling trapped, in the house and in the marriage. Her relationship with her husband had changed over the years and they now had little in common, particularly now the children were living away from home. Mary thought of her husband as controlling and constraining. Whenever she thought about her future she felt the anxiety rise, along with a sense of helplessness and a feeling of dread.
Talking helped, as did expressing her feeling honestly, but Mary needed more than this to really make progress. A combination of exercise and meditation helped with the more extreme feelings while a long term plan gave her a more independent future that she could look forward to even though she knew that there would be challenges along the way.
Mary’s pantry played an important role. Mary loved recreating historical recipes but her interest, along with her kitchen, had been neglected for a year or two. Now she decided to use this as a way to support herself. She enjoyed spending time in her kitchen; she was proud of the change she made as she tidied up and restocked her pantry and looked forward to the calmness she felt when she worked with her hands. Bringing new intention to her kitchen represented her own internal change as she allowed herself to think the unthinkable and realistically assess her options and her possibilities.
Working with thoughts – some simple techniques
It is said that we all typically have thousands of identifiable thoughts a day. It is further claimed by some that the majority of these thoughts involve some negative element and that the combined effect of these negative thoughts can be enormous. Personally I am wary of such coarse figures and such simplistic deductions, but I firmly believe that the things that we think go along with and often generate the emotions we experience and the behaviour we find ourselves repeating. Deal with the thoughts and we can often deal with the emotion and change the behaviour.
The initial challenge for many however is to become aware of the thoughts at all. Many people are not normally aware of the full thinking process going on and have difficulty identifying their own thoughts even though they may be very apparent to other people. Many people think so quickly that the thoughts seem to flash by too quickly to notice. If this is the case for you then these first two techniques for increasing some awareness may be essential before you can proceed onto the more powerful techniques.
Technique 1: Practice writing your thoughts 1. To become aware of what you think.
Take a topic, a striking image, or a specific event and take a few seconds to concentrate on it. Begin to notice the thoughts that are going through your head and write each one down on a piece of paper. It may help your concentration to have someone else write for you. Take it slowly and keep bringing your chosen topic back to mind and continue for around 20 minutes or until you think you have written all you thoughts.
Look at what you have written and read it through. Concentrate particularly on the short thoughts and see if you have more come to mind as you read.
With practice you should be able to listen in to your thoughts more easily and write the important thoughts that you have about a particular topic quite readily.
Technique 2: Practice writing your thoughts 2. To spot themes.
Following on from Technique 1: read through your thoughts on a particular topic and look for these things:
• Trends – several thoughts that are variations on a single theme or that reflect a particular approach.
• Single thoughts that seem to have particular significance or that trigger feelings or discomfort.
• Familiar chains of thought that loop back onto themselves.
• Repeated basic judgements about yourself, other people, or life in general.
Technique 3: Truth-telling. To create fundamental change
The problem with much of what we think is that it remains unchecked, we simply do not have a habit of checking out how valid our thinking actually is. This is a form of unnoticed self-delusion and, in certain circumstances, can lead to all sorts of problems as we “rub-up” against reality.
Working directly with the thoughts that we have is at the core of cognitive therapy, derived therapies such as NLP, and many varieties of self-care. The concept of changing our thoughts to have an impact on our effectiveness and appreciation of living is widely publicised and just as widely argued over.
There is a problem here. Many approaches take the cognitive concept of rephrasing to mean taking a negative or “wrong” thought and replacing it with a positive or affirmative thought. Even if this can be done, it can end up replacing an incorrect negative thought with an equally incorrect positive one, both being equally self-delusional. It is no good attempting to replace a false belief such as “I am an idiot” with the equally false “I am a genius”. One leads to self-diminishment while the other leads to false arrogance.
Rephrasing can be very effective, however, when the aim is to simply establish and tell the truth. “I am an idiot” is a self-judgement that is false (don’t be tempted to believe the truth in a judgment such as this, only an active intelligence is able to produce such an opinion; even if it existed, genuine idiocy could not be self-judging in this way). An alternative true statement may be something like “I have intelligence enough for my needs”, or “I have many qualities, including intelligence”, or “I am a caring person”.
Take each general judgment on your written list of thoughts and write a true statement as an alternative to each.
Case Story – Pete's Rage
Pete lived in a hostel. One day he found himself being bullied by another man at the hostel who, after a brief exchange of words, pushed him over inside the hostel and Pete dislocated his finger as he went down. Pete was no easy pushover though, he could handle himself if need be and this time he easily overpowered his attacker and immobilised him until he calmed down.
The police were called and the attacker was removed. A safety video showed the incident clearly.
But that was not the end of the matter. Pete was now experiencing a different kind of pain. He had, in his youth, had several violent episodes and he had made a choice to live his life differently; without violence. Although he had stuck to his intention for a number of years his new concern was about what he had experienced just after the attack.
Some days after the attack, when he described his feelings of the attack, the memory that predominated was one of intense rage. Even though the rage lasted only a moment he had a dreadful fear that he would never be free of it and that he would lose control. Like many men, he was afraid of his anger and afraid of what he might do if he ever did lose control. His underlying fear was that he was dangerous and out of control.
Pete was also an intelligent man and it took only an instant for him to recognise the truth when it was pointed out to him. He had indeed experienced full-on rage and he had chosen in that moment not to act out of it but to let it go. He controlled the situation physically, using a minimum of physical intervention, and he even gave his attacker the option to apologise rather than have the police involved.
Pete recognised the difference between feeling something and acting out of those feelings, even when the feelings were extreme. He knew that his choice for non-violence was a strong choice and one he remained fully committed to. What Pete had feared was just that, a fear and not a reality. When he admitted the truth the fear lost its hold on him and was gone, as quickly as his rage had gone.
Working with behaviour – some simple techniques
Most of us will attempt to make changes by directly changing our behaviour. We apply an act of will to be tolerant, we make a firm choice to give up drinking alcohol or to go on a diet, or we learn to smile even though we are feeling miserable. Often these learned ways of behaving become part of our daily lives and work well for us. Unfortunately, simply applying willpower to our behaviour does not always work; over time our will can change, or the behaviour we have chosen does not give us the return that we seek.
Whatever the eventual effectiveness, modifying our behaviour through a direct choice can have a significant impact on our emotional state. There can be an indirect link between behavioural choices and the way that we feel; on our emotional experience.
Here are some of the behaviours that we can adopt as part of a program of working with emotion:
Technique 1: Exercise. With multiple benefits.
The benefits of regular exercise have been well documented for years, not just to improve long-term health and fitness but to promote mental well-being as well.
Here are just a few of the ways that exercise can have an impact on our emotional state:
• Vigorous exercise (for example; high-energy competitive sports and fast running) can be used to release repressed feelings or anger-related feelings such as frustration, rage, annoyance, and impatience.
• Brisk exercise (for example; power-walking, dancing, distance running) can be used to energise; to wake up and to generate an aerobic response that can last for hours.
• Repetitive paced exercise such as walking or swimming can give reassurance as the body responds to the repetition and the mind is distracted by the environment and the activity.
• Challenging exercise (for example; competitive sports and high-skill exercises) engage both the body and mind, giving the mind a break from other emotions.
• Gentle exercise (for example; strolling, yoga, and Alexander technique) can create a break and induce relaxation.
Technique 2: Breathing. To relax and achieve calm.
Control of breathing is used by singers and athletes to prepare for and to enhance their performance, and in many forms of meditation to achieve greater focus. We often unconsciously control and restrict our own breathing pattern when we are experiencing low-level or even significant emotional feelings - we tend to hold our breath or breathe very shallowly.
By consciously breathing in a particular way, by deepening our breathing and taking full regular breaths, we allow our body and mind to slow down, therefore encouraging calmness and an internal focus that promotes an inner awareness of our true feelings.
Inner awareness and a slower pace of mind allows us to reflect more calmly on issues and challenges, it is at the core of meditation and one of the key contributors to the deeper learning required for meaningful personal change.
Technique 3: Building associations. To establish particular states of mind.
The mind is very powerfully influenced by associations, and it may be that much of the flexibility and sophistication the brain derives directly from the associations built up throughout our lives between brain cells. We associate memories together, we associate thoughts and beliefs into recognisable patterns, and we ‘remember’ events and situations as collections of things we saw, thoughts we had, things we heard, and feelings we experienced.
We can use this associative capability very powerfully to work for us in particular ways. There are techniques used in NLP and in other therapies that make direct use of this approach.
One of the simplest approaches is to imagine feeling calm and attentive, alert and confident. Then ask yourself if there is a particular place in your environment that you already associate with this state of being? It may be a physical location, a chair, a place with a particular view, and so on. If not, can you image a place where you would be able to feel this state of being? If not, simply choose a place that you don’t use regularly.
Go to your selected place and for around 30 seconds imagine yourself feeling calm and attentive. Go somewhere else and think of something completely different, for example think of what you may be having for your next meal. Now go back to your selected place and again for around 30 seconds imagine yourself calm and attentive. Repeat this process so that you visit your selected place five times in a row so that it becomes easier and easier to associate this particular place with a calm and attentive state of mind.
Try this out, and repeat the exercise from time to time to reinforce the effect. When you want to quickly regain that state of mind then simply go to your selected place. You should find it easier to regain and maintain your desired state of mind in this place.